As it has come to pass, a pox has befallen our realm. Along with every other citizen of this, and the adjoining kingdoms, our once social bard Roger Sparx (nigh, life of the party) has also been compelled into seclusion. Needless to say, being sequestered is NOT a bard’s natural state. A bard needs people in their life—people to entertain, people to charm, people to tease, people to bluff and sometimes, people to trick. Without people, a bard has no new tales to tell and no new stories to learn. So, in these unprecedented times, what is a bard to do?
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Woodshed
Now is the perfect time for a bard to practice their instrument of choice or even learn new instruments. With all this spare time, a bard can become the Jimi Hendrix of lute playing. Or a bard could even learn multiple instruments and become the bard formerly known as Prince. Also, now would be a great time to work on one’s vocal skills (it would be less than truthful to proclaim all bards are talented singers). Quarantine is a good time to get caught up on all of one’s stories (musical or otherwise) that need finished. Not feeling motivated to finish writing that song the local official paid you to write about their political exploits? Drink some mead and write a new song! Which brings us to our next activity.
Brew (and Drink) Mead
Who doesn’t like a nice refreshing mead on a hot day? As a bard with all the time in the world right now, why not learn how to brew your own? It only takes three basic ingredients: honey, yeast and water. It can be fairly weak or get pretty strong depending on how much honey is used in fermentation. While you’re spending time alone, you’ll have all the liquid inspiration you’ll need to help write your new bardic songs and, once the plague passes, you’ll surely be the most popular bard on the block.
Work on Witty Expressions
If for nothing else, having a bard in your party should ensure that there is always someone that can turn a quick—and sharp—turn of phrase. Quarantine is a great time to formulate new comebacks and refine witty expressions. Here’s a list to help you get started:
Your mother takes up more tiles than a gelatinous cube.
What’s that on your face? Oh, it’s just your face.
I’ve met sharper loaves of bread!
If your brain exploded, it wouldn’t even mess up your hair.
Your mother is so ugly, clerics try to turn her.
I’d prefer a battle of wits, but you appear to be unarmed.
I’ve met lemons sweeter than you.
I’m jealous of people who haven’t met you.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Your mother was a kobold and your father smelled of elderberry!
I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.
Stay Safe
Obviously, being alone isn’t the favored activity of bards. But, we bards must fight the strong urge to return to a robust social life before the pestilence has fully passed. It’s the only strategy that truly works against this unseen foe (at least, when fighting a dragon, one can see it!). Until then, be safe, stay strong and drink mead—perhaps lots of it.
